Monday Quiz 44 – Large Towns and Litter Louts

During this week last year (Apr 21 to Apr 27, 2007):

• What six Irish towns passed the 10,000 population mark for the first time?
• Which TD commended the Gardai after he was arrested on suspicion of drink driving?
• What other crime had he previously been convicted of, after which he did not commend the Gardai?
• How did Ivor Callely of Fianna Fail fall foul of Council litter wardens?
• What did he do then?

Click here for answers: >>>

Monday Quiz 43 – Madams, Mayo and Manchester

During this week last year (Apr 14 to Apr 20, 2007):

• How did madam Deena Edridge from Kildare make legal history?
• How much did Bank of Ireland have to pay back to customers it had wrongly charged, and why?
• How did a seven-year-old boy from Singapore, whose grandparents are from Mayo, show himself to be a child genius?
  
• Which senior negotiator of the Good Friday Agreement switched allegiance to a different political party?
• Who denied a claim by his former Garda driver that he had travelled to Manchester with a briefcase of cash in the 1990s?

Click here for answers: >>>

Monday Quiz 42 – Superstition Dying Out?

During this week last year (Apr 7 to Apr 13, 2007), the Iona Institute published a survey of Irish awareness of Christian teaching. For each of the following questions, do you know (a) the answer and (b) how many people got it right?

• Name the Holy Trinity.
• How many Gospels are there in the New Testament?
• What is the First Commandment?
• What name is given to the changing of the body and blood of Christ in the Mass?
• What is meant by the immaculate conception?

Click here for answers: >>>

Eoghan Harris Hosts Masterclass in Eejitry

Senator Eoghan Harris has taken an early lead in the race for Eejit of the Year 2008. His article in today’s Sunday Independent both borrows a tactic perfected by last year’s winning Eejit John Waters (the famous ‘I am crying, writing this’ theme) and also ventures into unparalleled realms of eejitry of his own.

Just read this, and I defy you not to laugh: >>>

Leave Her At It, Go On – No Bother, Johnny!

Some hilarious on-board commentary from driver Niall O’Connell and and co-driver John Liston as they try to overtake a slow car on a narrow straight road in the Irish National Rally Championship. It’s on YouTube via MotorSportMad.com.

Thomas the Tribunal v Bertie the Bluffer

As Bertie Ahern’s fate unfolded yesterday, I had this nagging feeling that I had seen it somewhere before. Then I remembered this old episode of Thomas the Tank Engine, in which Ringo Starr’s commentary is a surreally perfect allegory for the morality tale of Thomas the Tribunal versus Bertie the Bluffer.

Top Ten Things We’ll Miss About Bertie Ahern

Number 10: His visionary insights

• “With hindsight, we all have 50-50 vision.”
• “We haven’t been able to do all that we can.”
• “The cynics may point to the past but we live in the future.”
• “The grass roots, or the rank and file, are now made from fibre optics.”

Number 9: The Drumcondra Mafia

• Digout Des Richardson, who gives false invoices to stockbrokers for political donations then gives the money to Bertie Ahern as a personal gift.
• Tim Nice-but-Dim Collins, the serial bank-account-opener who uses initials like B/T and D/T for his accounts, and who told the Tribunal that “figures aren’t my forte.”
• Joe Burke, who, along with Tim Collins,  supposedly lent Ahern’s girlfriend £30,000 of Fianna Fail money, for a house, without Bertie knowing.
• Paddy the Plasterer, who Joe Higgins suggested should avoid Ivor Callaly’s house, as Callaly was in enough trouble already with the painters.

Number 8: His ethical philosophies

• “We’re not gonna hang anyone on the guillotine.”
• “I never condemn wrongdoing in any area.”
• “There is a code of ethics whereby those who have been elected to the House try to remain elected. That is the code of ethics in this House.”

Number 7: His most secretly truthful answer ever

• When Ahern was first asked about the allegations of receiving between €50,000 and €100,000, he told journalists that a lot of the report was correct but “the figures are off the wall.” This, of course, was true, because he got some of the money “off Michael Wall”.

Number 6: His peacemaking abilities

• “There have been disputes between fractions.”
• “We shouldn’t upset the apple tart.”
• “I don’t think it helps people to start throwing white elephants and red herrings at each other.”
• “At present, I have my hand in a whole lot of dykes, trying to keep them in and keep people together.”

Number 5: His tribunal evidence generally

• He has a magic briefcase that turns random uncounted bundles of Irish and English money into large exact round-sum dollar and sterling amounts.
• He once lodged £50,000, then took it out again, then converted it to Sterling, then kept in his safe for a few months, then converted it back to Irish money, then re-lodged it, in two separate amounts.
• He believes that, in 1995, he gave somebody £30,000 to buy sterling with, but he can’t remember who he gave it to.
• He bought his house from a philanthropic bus driver who attends dinners but doesn’t eat the dinners, and who had already given Ahern the house in his will anyway.

Number 4: His opinion of Charles Haughey

• “I think Charlie Haughey is basically a very good man and unfortunately he got into things like the lifestyle, and the bills caused him to do some things that I feel very strongly about.”

Number 3: His social life

• “I’ve never met a socialist in my life, and if I do, I’ll tell you.”
• “I can’t say that I have met any homosexuals.”
• “I could certainly drink a fair few pints of Bass and be capable of driving.”

Number 2: The quadruple negative

• “It is not correct, and if I said so, I was not correct, I cannot recall if I said it, but I did not say, or if I did, I did not mean to say it, that these issues could not be dealt with until the end of the Mahon tribunal. That is not what Revenue said.”

Number 1: The Bertie Ahern Problem-solving flowchart

• Am I in the Dail? Say that I can only tell the Tribunal.
• Am I at the Tribunal? Say that I can only tell the Dail.
• Am I somewhere else? Say that it’s all smoke and daggers.
• Have they stopped asking questions? Go and watch Man United.
• Are they still asking questions? Tell the High Court to make them stop. Then go and watch Man United.