Prank Letter to Charles J Haughey

July 4, 2007 at 12:02 am Leave a comment

Here’s one of my favourite prank letters. I posted it in 1993 to Charles J Haughey, pleading with him to return to active politics as the modern European Cúchulainn that he was. Oh yes, and dangling the carrot of a considerable amount of money to fund such a campaign. >>>

The Letter

Dar Mr Haughey,

I am writing to you as a citizen of Ireland about a matter of vital national importance. As our very currency stumbles through multiple self-inflicted political minefields, it is becoming increasingly clear that you should never have vacated the Taoiseachship. Does anyone seriously believe that you would have fudged and fecked around like the current cabinet of economic incompetents and political amateurs?

After some years abroad, I have recently returned to my native land and I now plead with you, Mr Haughey, to reconsider your too-hasty retirement. “Consensus” Reynoldsite politics may seem superficially “reasonable” but, as you and I well know, progress depends on the unreasonable man. Just ask Alan (where is he now?) Dukes!

And yes, of course, you were opposed by an inconsequential rabble of small, petty people, obsessed with insignificant so-called “scandals” of a decade ago, and burning inside with jealousy of your political wisdom and courage, your proud Irish Republicanism, your patronage of the Arts and the Bishops, your sense of your place in history – your very political essence, Mr Haughey, to which they could not aspire and so conspired to destroy, scrambling feverishly to add their fingerprints to the dagger that was Doherty’s.

You, Mr Haughey, were not merely a political Houdini but a modern European Cúchulainn, unfazed by “scandals” that would have ended the career of a mere political mortal. You, and only you, could have left Fianna Fáil as strong as it was when you left. You owe it to yourself and the nation to return to active politics, biding your time with dignity until your invisible successor is seen for the visionless pet-food manufacturer that he is.

I and some colleagues are currently planning to launch a non-party-political “Bring Back Charles J Haughey” campaign. We have a sizeable nest-egg available, and we do not seek any “seed capital” from you. Do we need your formal endorsement, or should that come after the launch? We bow to your wisdom in this area. At least, please let us know that you have not definitively closed the door to the historic return to power that is inevitable once people realise that you in fact stemmed, not, caused, the recent and ongoing drop in Fianna Fáil fortunes.

Yours sincerely,

John Mackay

PS I believe you knew my father – JJ Mackay – in the sixties

The Reply

Here’s the reply that I got from CJ Haughey.

Entry filed under: Politics, Pranks.

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A blog by Michael Nugent

Welcome to my blog about living in the maddest country on earth. Please feel free to leave a comment.

I also write Bionic Bohs, a blog about following Bohemians football club in the 1970s.


Bionic Bohs

As mentioned above, if you like Irish football and/or cultural nostalgia, I also write Bionic Bohs, a blog about following Bohs in the 1970s.

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