I have Applied to be Ireland Football Manager

December 4, 2007 at 10:06 am 8 comments

Ireland Manager 1986 Ireland Manager 1996

Today I have applied for a third time to manage the Ireland football team, citing on my CV my three games with Willow Park Wanderers U-11 side. I am by far the most experienced applicant, having previously been beaten to the job by Jack Charlton in 1986 and Mick McCarthy in 1996 (see above). So I have written to the FAI selection committee, enclosing a CD of the I, Keano show to demonstrate my approach to becoming The Gaffer. Here is the application letter and CV that I have sent to my future employers in Abbotstown: >>>

Letter of Application Sent to Don Howe and Don Givens

Dear Dons,

Congratulations on being selected to select the person who might be selected as the next Ireland football manager. Andy Townsend is wrong to say that you might as well line up against a wall now to be executed. I think you can wait at least two years before doing that.

I am writing to apply for the position for a third time, having previously been beaten to the job by Jack Charlton in 1986 and Mick McCarthy in 1996. As you are now considering comedy scriptwriters such as Terry Venables for the job, I hope that I will have a better chance this time.

Don Howe, I don’t know if you know anything about the FAI, but they will expect you to arrange to interview John Aldridge, and then announce the new manager while he is waiting to be interviewed. And Don Givens, you can rest assured that if you select me as Ireland manager, I will keep you on in your job as Ireland U-21 manager! Say no more.

I enclose my CV, details of my previous applications, and a CD of I, Keano to demonstrate my approach as The Gaffer. I am free to be interviewed at your convenience, unless both of my grandmothers happen to die on the date of the interview.

Yours sincerely,

Michael Nugent

Curriculum Vitae in Support of Job Application

Qualifications

  • I played three games for Willow Park Wanderers U-11s and nearly scored a goal in an U-13 five-a-side match in Riversdale Sports Club in 1972.
  • I shook hands with Turlough O’Connor after the 1976 FAI Cup Final between Bohemians and Drogheda United at Dalymount Park.
  • I got Derek Dougan’s autograph after the 1973 match at Lansdowne Road between Brazil and a Shamrock Rovers All-Ireland Selection (The Doog’s car also ran over my foot in the carpark, effectively ending my playing career).
  • I watched a lot of English football on the telly around the time that Leeds United used to come second in everything.

Managerial Experience

  • I am the most experienced applicant for the job, in that I have more experience in applying for the job than any other candidate.
  • While I have never been a football manager, I still have as much experience in football management as Steve Staunton had when appointed.
  • In recent years, I have won several matches using the Ireland team on the Playstation game Pro Evolution Soccer 6.
  • Co-writing the play I, Keano puts me on a par with Terry Venables co-writing the 1970s detective series Hazell – who was ‘the biggest bastard who ever pushed your bell-button’ (That’s Hazell, not Venables).

Plans for the Job

  • I understand how the FAI operates, so I will not expect such luxuries as training pitches with grass, or proper footballs.
  • I will hire David O’Leary to operate a crèche for the players’ babies.
  • I will hire Terry Venables to manage the squad’s finances.
  • I will build my squad around the following players:
    Goalkeeper: Bertie Ahern (FF), because he is good at saving.
    Defenders: John Delaney (FAI) because it seems he can defend anything; Twink (RTE) because she is a bit of a head-the-ball; Cardinal Brady (Armagh) because he would be good with crosses; and Steve Staunton (free agent) because he was actually good at playing football.
    Midfield: Johnny Giles, Liam Brady, Eamon Dunphy and Bill O’Herlihy (all RTE), because they will go easy on me in the post-match analysis.
    Forwards: Colin Farrell (Hollywood) because he is good at scoring; and Robbie Keane (Spurs) because he must start scoring again sometime.
  • I will motivate the team before games by having them re-enact the player’s meeting scene from I, Keano (‘You can stick it up your bollocks!’)

Referees

  • Anyone except Alan Kelly, who disallowed a perfectly good Bohemians goal against Bray last year because the ball bounced back off a stanchion in the middle of the net, and Kelly somehow thought that it had gone wide.

Click Here to Email a Friend about this Post
Click Here to Email a Friend about That’s Ireland

Advertisements

Entry filed under: Fun, Ireland, News, Pranks, Sports.

Monday Quiz 24 – Mad Inventors, Mad Consultants The Six Oldest Dubliners in the 1911 Census

8 Comments Add your own

  • […] All together, now: ‘One Kenny Dalglish, there’s only one Kenny Dalglish, there’s only one Kenny Dallllllllllglish…’ Forget Terry Venables, Howard Kendall, Steve Coppell and all the other has-beens rumoured for the gig. Right now, the shortlist is down to King Kenny and That’s Ireland’s Michael Nugent. One is The Greatest Football Player Of All Time, the other co-wrote I, Keano, so they’ve both overqualified for the position. Could they jobshare? The Chancer Inquires: Why don’t the FAI turn the whole thing into a really messed-up reality show – You’re A Manager! Wait a minute…they already have! Ba-dum-tish, etc. Next up: is little Sammy Lee available? Go Sammy! more: Dalglish Throws Hat Into The Ring (Irish Independent) Liverpool’s Greatest 100 Players: Number 1 (Shankly Gates) I Have Applied To Be Ireland Football Manager (That’s Ireland) […]

    Reply
  • 2. FAI = Total Official Looniness Abroad « That’s Ireland  |  December 6, 2007 at 5:03 pm

    […] Update: Dec 2007 – I have Applied to be Ireland Manager. […]

    Reply
  • 3. lxpoetess  |  December 6, 2007 at 6:30 pm

    Oh that’s brilliant! Best of luck good sir on your application. And once you appoint Bertie to Goal, make sure to train him up…I hear he’s letting a few past him lately.

    Reply
  • 4. Ezmeralda O'Toole  |  December 7, 2007 at 5:22 pm

    How come you didn’t apply after Mick McCarthy and that chap Kerr quit? This signifies a certain lack of enthusiasm. I hope you aren’t just using the Irish job as an easy option to plug a gap in your career. You are certainly inexperienced enough for the job, but have the mastered the art of lugubrious incoherence?

    Reply
  • 5. Curly K  |  December 12, 2007 at 12:12 am

    Very good, if my first choice Jose Mourinho doesn’t get the job you can count on my full support for your application!!!

    Reply
  • 6. john carroll  |  January 31, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    Your cv makes good reading, however I feel that you are over qualified for this position, as you have viewed quite a lot of football over the years. You also failed to mention your salary expectations. Best of luck in the future, I think Liverpool could possibly make use of your services.

    Reply
  • […] I am biased, as I have applied for the job of Ireland manager and I have yet to hear back from the interview panel of Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy […]

    Reply
  • 8. TOYIN SHOYEMI  |  August 7, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    My name is toyin shoyemi, i am an ex footballer of nigeria international, i am
    presently handling an u 17 club side in nigera name , UNBEATABLE F.C OF LAGOS, i always take them out for trials , i took them to india last year and this year, i will like to have a relationship with you in bringing and uplifting the youth to limelight, i woudnt mind bringing them for trials and tour in your country, the club address is 17 olojo street in case you want to contact me, my mobile number is +2348086024283, and mt e-mail address is tozzy4real001@yahoo.com, i will like you to send me your contact number so i will also be able to contact you , bye
    yours in sport
    toyin shoyemi

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


A blog by Michael Nugent

Welcome to my blog about living in the maddest country on earth. Please feel free to leave a comment.

I also write Bionic Bohs, a blog about following Bohemians football club in the 1970s.

Feeds

December 2007
M T W T F S S
« Nov   Jan »
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31  

Bionic Bohs

As mentioned above, if you like Irish football and/or cultural nostalgia, I also write Bionic Bohs, a blog about following Bohs in the 1970s.

%d bloggers like this: