The Drunken Noah Song

February 19, 2008 at 1:26 am 1 comment

As a follow-up to the Legal Case of the Serpent versus God at the Garden of Eden, here is my take on another fun Biblical tale – Noah getting drunk and naked after his cruise on the magic Ark.

Noah is sitting by a table, drinking wine. His clothes are falling off him, and he is partly naked. Mrs Noah, and their sons Shem, Ham and Japeth arrive with a birthday cake.

ALL
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, dear Noah, happy birthday to you!

MRS NOAH
Congratulations, dear! Six hundred and one years old today! And we’re back on dry land.

>>>

SHEM
Have you made a wish, daddy?

NOAH
I wish God had never asked me to make that bloody Ark.

HAM
Oh come on, daddy. You know that God chose you because you are just and perfect and righteous.

Noah belches loudly, and scratches himself.

MRS NOAH
I do wish you wouldn’t drink so much, dear. You know that we have to repopulate the entire planet?

NOAH
Yes, because God killed everyone else to show them that violence was wrong.

JAPETH
Oh come on. I am sure God knew what he was doing.

NOAH
Well I’m glad that somebody did, because I didn’t.

Noah bursts into song.

NOAH
I had to cut a thousand trees
And then drag them on my knees
From the forest back to where I built the boat
I had no idea whether
I could stick them all together
It’s a miracle we ever stayed afloat

I had to study every feature
Of every living creature
And, let’s be clear, exactly what I mean is
I had to check to find
That there was two of every kind
And that only one of each had got a penis

There were elephants and bees
And bears and chimpanzees
And dinosaurs wherever they could fit
And every time I’d pray
I would beg for just one day
That they wouldn’t fill the Ark with so much shit

As the rain fell from the sky
And the bodies floated by
Of all the little babies God had drowned
I knew that he would feast
On the finest of my beasts
As a sacrifice once we had run aground

It all seems so absurd
So here’s my final word
Because I really don’t know what to think
We must repopulate the earth

(smiles at Mrs Noah)

So get ready for a birth
But first I’m going to have another drink

Noah takes a final drink. His clothes fall off him completely. He collapses, naked, on the floor.

END OF SCENE

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Entry filed under: Fun, Religion.

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1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Nadine Gallo  |  March 2, 2008 at 4:05 pm

    another martyr for old Ireland — the man was overworked like J.B. Keane’s turkey inseminating hens all day.

    Reply

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A blog by Michael Nugent

Welcome to my blog about living in the maddest country on earth. Please feel free to leave a comment.

I also write Bionic Bohs, a blog about following Bohemians football club in the 1970s.

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Bionic Bohs

As mentioned above, if you like Irish football and/or cultural nostalgia, I also write Bionic Bohs, a blog about following Bohs in the 1970s.

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