Top Ten Things We’ll Miss About Bertie Ahern

April 2, 2008 at 5:02 pm 18 comments

Ahern Laughing

Number 10: His visionary insights

  • “With hindsight, we all have 50-50 vision.”
  • “We haven’t been able to do all that we can.”
  • “The cynics may point to the past but we live in the future.”
  • “The grass roots, or the rank and file, are now made from fibre optics.”

Number 9: The Drumcondra Mafia

  • Digout Des Richardson, who gives false invoices to stockbrokers for political donations then gives the money to Bertie Ahern as a personal gift.
  • Tim Nice-but-Dim Collins, the serial bank-account-opener who uses initials like B/T and D/T for his accounts, and who told the Tribunal that “figures aren’t my forte.”
  • Joe Burke, who, along with Tim Collins,  supposedly lent Ahern’s girlfriend £30,000 of Fianna Fail money, for a house, without Bertie knowing.
  • Paddy the Plasterer, who Joe Higgins suggested should avoid Ivor Callaly’s house, as Callaly was in enough trouble already with the painters.

Number 8: His ethical philosophies

  • “We’re not gonna hang anyone on the guillotine.”
  • “I never condemn wrongdoing in any area.”
  • “There is a code of ethics whereby those who have been elected to the House try to remain elected. That is the code of ethics in this House.”

Number 7: His most secretly truthful answer ever

  • When Ahern was first asked about the allegations of receiving between €50,000 and €100,000, he told journalists that a lot of the report was correct but “the figures are off the wall.” This, of course, was true, because he got some of the money “off Michael Wall”.

Number 6: His peacemaking abilities

  • “There have been disputes between fractions.”
  • “We shouldn’t upset the apple tart.”
  • “I don’t think it helps people to start throwing white elephants and red herrings at each other.”
  • “At present, I have my hand in a whole lot of dykes, trying to keep them in and keep people together.”

Number 5: His tribunal evidence generally

  • He has a magic briefcase that turns random uncounted bundles of Irish and English money into large exact round-sum dollar and sterling amounts.
  • He once lodged £50,000, then took it out again, then converted it to Sterling, then kept in his safe for a few months, then converted it back to Irish money, then re-lodged it, in two separate amounts.
  • He believes that, in 1995, he gave somebody £30,000 to buy sterling with, but he can’t remember who he gave it to.
  • He bought his house from a philanthropic bus driver who attends dinners but doesn’t eat the dinners, and who had already given Ahern the house in his will anyway.

Number 4: His opinion of Charles Haughey

  • “I think Charlie Haughey is basically a very good man and unfortunately he got into things like the lifestyle, and the bills caused him to do some things that I feel very strongly about.”

Number 3: His social life

  • “I’ve never met a socialist in my life, and if I do, I’ll tell you.”
  • “I can’t say that I have met any homosexuals.”
  • “I could certainly drink a fair few pints of Bass and be capable of driving.”

Number 2: The quadruple negative

  • “It is not correct, and if I said so, I was not correct, I cannot recall if I said it, but I did not say, or if I did, I did not mean to say it, that these issues could not be dealt with until the end of the Mahon tribunal. That is not what Revenue said.”

Number 1: The Bertie Ahern Problem-solving flowchart

  • Am I in the Dail? Say that I can only tell the Tribunal.
  • Am I at the Tribunal? Say that I can only tell the Dail.
  • Am I somewhere else? Say that it’s all smoke and daggers.
  • Have they stopped asking questions? Go and watch Man United.
  • Are they still asking questions? Tell the High Court to make them stop. Then go and watch Man United.
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Entry filed under: Ireland, News, Politics.

Monday Quiz 41 – Petrol, Pensions and Prisons Thomas the Tribunal v Bertie the Bluffer

18 Comments Add your own

  • 1. ScaryGirl  |  April 2, 2008 at 5:58 pm

    Great stuff Michael. Heard you on Today FM.

    The flowchart is a masterpiece.

    Reply
  • 2. blankpaige  |  April 2, 2008 at 6:18 pm

    Is it a little troubling that when I heard about Bertie’s resignation, I immediately thought, “Oh God, what is Michael Nugent going to write about now?”

    I’m sure you’ll continue to entertain and inform.

    Reply
  • […] no influence”?. Well not P O’Neill, he predicted it. That’s Ireland lists the Top Ten Things We’ll Miss about Bertie […]

    Reply
  • 4. David  |  April 4, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    I’ll miss his nonsensical quotes.

    Reply
  • 5. shazgood  |  April 8, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    He’s a God, sure, a two-faced God.
    http://shazgood.wordpress.com/2008/04/08/berties-new-life-as-god/

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A blog by Michael Nugent

Welcome to my blog about living in the maddest country on earth. Please feel free to leave a comment.

I also write Bionic Bohs, a blog about following Bohemians football club in the 1970s.

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Bionic Bohs

As mentioned above, if you like Irish football and/or cultural nostalgia, I also write Bionic Bohs, a blog about following Bohs in the 1970s.

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