Top Ten Things We’ll Miss About Bertie Ahern

Number 10: His visionary insights

• “With hindsight, we all have 50-50 vision.”
• “We haven’t been able to do all that we can.”
• “The cynics may point to the past but we live in the future.”
• “The grass roots, or the rank and file, are now made from fibre optics.”

Number 9: The Drumcondra Mafia

• Digout Des Richardson, who gives false invoices to stockbrokers for political donations then gives the money to Bertie Ahern as a personal gift.
• Tim Nice-but-Dim Collins, the serial bank-account-opener who uses initials like B/T and D/T for his accounts, and who told the Tribunal that “figures aren’t my forte.”
• Joe Burke, who, along with Tim Collins,  supposedly lent Ahern’s girlfriend £30,000 of Fianna Fail money, for a house, without Bertie knowing.
• Paddy the Plasterer, who Joe Higgins suggested should avoid Ivor Callaly’s house, as Callaly was in enough trouble already with the painters.

Number 8: His ethical philosophies

• “We’re not gonna hang anyone on the guillotine.”
• “I never condemn wrongdoing in any area.”
• “There is a code of ethics whereby those who have been elected to the House try to remain elected. That is the code of ethics in this House.”

Number 7: His most secretly truthful answer ever

• When Ahern was first asked about the allegations of receiving between €50,000 and €100,000, he told journalists that a lot of the report was correct but “the figures are off the wall.” This, of course, was true, because he got some of the money “off Michael Wall”.

Number 6: His peacemaking abilities

• “There have been disputes between fractions.”
• “We shouldn’t upset the apple tart.”
• “I don’t think it helps people to start throwing white elephants and red herrings at each other.”
• “At present, I have my hand in a whole lot of dykes, trying to keep them in and keep people together.”

Number 5: His tribunal evidence generally

• He has a magic briefcase that turns random uncounted bundles of Irish and English money into large exact round-sum dollar and sterling amounts.
• He once lodged £50,000, then took it out again, then converted it to Sterling, then kept in his safe for a few months, then converted it back to Irish money, then re-lodged it, in two separate amounts.
• He believes that, in 1995, he gave somebody £30,000 to buy sterling with, but he can’t remember who he gave it to.
• He bought his house from a philanthropic bus driver who attends dinners but doesn’t eat the dinners, and who had already given Ahern the house in his will anyway.

Number 4: His opinion of Charles Haughey

• “I think Charlie Haughey is basically a very good man and unfortunately he got into things like the lifestyle, and the bills caused him to do some things that I feel very strongly about.”

Number 3: His social life

• “I’ve never met a socialist in my life, and if I do, I’ll tell you.”
• “I can’t say that I have met any homosexuals.”
• “I could certainly drink a fair few pints of Bass and be capable of driving.”

Number 2: The quadruple negative

• “It is not correct, and if I said so, I was not correct, I cannot recall if I said it, but I did not say, or if I did, I did not mean to say it, that these issues could not be dealt with until the end of the Mahon tribunal. That is not what Revenue said.”

Number 1: The Bertie Ahern Problem-solving flowchart

• Am I in the Dail? Say that I can only tell the Tribunal.
• Am I at the Tribunal? Say that I can only tell the Dail.
• Am I somewhere else? Say that it’s all smoke and daggers.
• Have they stopped asking questions? Go and watch Man United.
• Are they still asking questions? Tell the High Court to make them stop. Then go and watch Man United.